FGSDZ Temple......

Went to FGSDZ Temple around Chinese New Year with my Honey. Realised we took lots of nice photos and just wanna share it abit... :)

My baby......

My thinking always run here and there when I'm too free.

That day, suddenly that I though of... WHAT IF I'M PREGNANT NOW???

It's good to have a baby now. Cause, I was thinking, since I'm so old, if I only get married after 35, I do not want to carry a baby lohhhh.... So old!!!! Let's say I deliver my baby when I'm 36....When my baby is 10 years old, I'm already 46 perhaps. Aiyo...when I'm 56...my baby will be only 20.... so young!!! Who will take care of my baby????

So lerrrr, I have this terrible thinking [for old folks]... If I'm so lucky that I have a baby now, I will bring my baby to this world even his/ her daddy doesn't want to marry me. I only want the baby. I will carry him till the day I deliver him/ her to this crucial world. Then I will bring him/ her up to be a wonderful and smart and clever and good manners kid, send him/ her to kindergarden, primary school, secondary school, college and university.

It's hard to bring up a kid by all alone. But, I think if I'm really that lucky to have a baby in me now, I would want to have him/ her by myself. Do not have a father???? Ya, his/ her father doesn't want him/ her, so what??? He/ She got a good mommy --> ME. Kakakakakaka....

Of course, if the PERSON wanted to get marry then will be the best ending lah... but Life is always out of expectation. Things will never go to your way, it will always come on reversal... So, If I'm carrying a baby now.. ABORTION will not be the solution for me. If my baby choose to leave me, then I have no choice but sad.

I wish, If I do have a baby, he/ she will stick with me till he/ she is able to be independent. Till the day his/ her WINGS are strong enough to fly away and feed him/ herself. Then, I will smile and wave wave to them... and... give them all my best wishes.

I only wish, my baby will come back once a while to visit this old woman in the old folk house.. never forget me.

:P Sound like I'm pregnant now. Hahahahhahaa....

Too bad that my tummy is full with FATS... not filled with a baby.

Sex with Friend......

Have you ever have sex with your friend??

I never have such experience. I wonder how it feel?

Friends, someone who standing beside you, support you when you are down, laughing on nonsense with you, lend their ears to you when you need to speak out, discuss your problems with you when you want to talk about it. Friends, who always be our mental support.. someone we cherish alots as our family members.

Having sex with friend... is same as having sex with our family members. Aaaawwww.... terrible.

But, I do have the experience that friends asked me to be his sex buddy. Ya, FRIENDS... not only one. I wonder what they see in me and made them to have this guts to asked me that question. Of course, they did not ask in a very direct way. I'm not LULU [not stupid], I can read between lines. I made myself very clear, and told them off.

Friend is friend, I never over stepped the line. Unless, both of you have mutual understanding that both of you will go into sex buddy relationship instead of friendship. I can't imagine, one day, I see my friend's penis, caressing him and let him to put his thing in me... WAHHH!!!!! scary.

Sex with friends, will only happen to me when I'm dreadfully desperate in sex or when I'm 100% drunk or I'm on estacy.

Imagine..... having sex with a friend, no chemistry, no sparks, no love.... only friend. I don't know how to face my friend after I have sex with him.... I feel too shame to have him as my friend anymore.

Friends, is for us to cherish, but not to have sex. Settle myself with a dildo/ vibrator will make me feel much better than have sex with a friend.

Step forward......

Do you find that's very easy or difficult to be in love?

To be fall in love ---> Closed your eyes, Open your heart. Feel it, Sense it and Grab it.

It's not easy for certain people to close their eyes and open their heart, because their are too afraid of something. Something that they do not want to tell, something that they do not want to know. Ya, running away from their hurts or maybe weaknesses. Instead of healing themself correctly, they choose to run away and hide.

No one can help you walk away from your hurts beside your ownself.

Walk away from what have stopped you for go further. Life is step forward, not backward. Our parents never teach us to step backward when we are at the stage to learn walking. They teach us to step forward... forward... and forward. So it goes the same for our life... go forward.

Do not step backward or stop. Of course, we may take a rest when we are tired... but not for long period. I've been resting... It's hard to start a new life, take a step to walk again... especially when you have to walk alone. Once you step out, everything will be easier.... Maybe, it's easier for me as I have tons of support from my lovely family [my mom and my sister]. They are the biggest support for me when I'm down.

In a relationship, you may rest for a while... but there has no step backward. How to reverse your feelings when you already in love? You may fast forward... even pause is impossible. :) Maybe I'm too idiot on reverse or pause my feelings.. for me, it's impossible.

I only know how to go forward and forward in a relationship. Going from stage to stage.. nothing is too fast for me when I'm in love. I'm just follow my heart, and that's why I'm very easy to be hurt... because I'm too easy to show others my heart. Some may use my weakness to get something they wanted from me. I'm not rich, so no one ever run away my money.... :P Mr. Peter always warn me to SHUT OFF my heart. But, it's a mission impossible for me as I'm too careless on taking good care of my heart from getting hurt.

Due to all the hurts, I became a sensitive person. I know my sensitivity bother my Honey quite alots. I know it's unfair to him that I always being so alert on some nonsense. I'm working hard on not to be so sensitive or jealous. I'm trying hard.

Step forward together with me. I only want to be with you. I want no others but you. I might be nag alots, manja alots, bising alots... but, believe me that I love you only.

I do not care about the level, as long as you love me.

Love Making......

Making love with someone we love will always be the best sex we ever have, because the sex is not only sex but also love expression. For me, sex with love is always much better than the sex without love. For example, one night stand. Yes, we can feel released, lust released after the one night stand but we still feel lonely deep inside us.

The feeling of making love with the one we love is totally different. We won't feel lonely after the love making but we will feel so well, feel so satisfied, feel so happy, feel so great.

Love is just amazing. Love able to filled up your loneliness, love able to make everything looks beautiful... love able to adjust your mood without your knowledge. Love able to bring you wonderful, amazing sex.

No wonder people said that Love brings miracle.

Finally....

Finally, I ended my service with Company S. Today is my last day with this company, but I still have to work until 930pm. Where got ppl work till so late on their last day with the company? I truthfully feel that, my decision for leaving this company is the best decision that I ever make in my life.

However, I did have my good time within the period I served in this company. At least, I knew a bunch of nice and funny people that really cheer up my boring working life. They are great and wonderful person.. What made me feel sad is leaving them even though most of them already left the company. I wondering who will be the next to leave....argh..I'm so bad.

Ya, I got another good offer and I can take a breath for 2 weeks, flying freely as a bird. Actually, I do not think I will have time to enjoy my free time as I will be so bz on my house moving planning and also wanted to catch up my yoga class. Missed out so many classes that I suppose to attend due to my work loads. For example, I suppose to go for HOT YOGA [which I like most] tonight, but just because of something that SOMEONE able to handle [but she reluctant to help] and I have to stay until everything is done and she is happy with it.

Phewww... I can really take a breath, at least for now. Relax myself, enjoy myself for the 2 weeks without stress. My new job will be quite challenging as well... No one will pay you high salary without any hardwork from you.

I miss my colleagues already. They got me a card... they wrote something inside... Very touching. I will miss you all tooo.... Thanks for all the companion on lunch time, thanks for the laughter, thanks for listening when I'm so unhappy... Thanks for everything. Knowing you all is the best thing that happened to me in Company S.

My career will go into another stage. More towards decision making.. more independent. Stepping into a new environment always make us feel nervous. Take a deep breath, take a step.. and start. I'm sure I can handle it well....

I love you all... Thanks for everything

Money......

How we value money?

I do not have a way to measure money. I only know that with money, I can give my mom better, worry-less life and myself a good life.

Maybe I do over value the money at this point. I'm selfish and I do think that I need that money.

She angry on me because I do not accept the offer and I wanted more money. Ya, I'm a very selfish person. I am selfish, as I want a better life for myself and my mom. Our life is getting better and I want more.

My fault to choose the higher pay and let her down.

Sorry is meaningless if you already did something that hurt someone's feelings. I know SORRY won't make her feel happy unless I give up the higher pay offer and work with her. But, money meant alots to me. I need it.. and I want it.

I need it badly... and I wanna grab it since I have the chance.

I do feel bad and guilty to the company. I do......

Decision......

I'm now in the stage of making the hardest decision that I ever have in my life.. I'm not getting marry lah! No one proposed to me yet.. and I don't think there has any will do that to me now... Hahahaha... Can't see any potential guy will propose to me, but it will be a very lovely thing if there has anyone that come and propose to me.

Ops.. back to the decision making...

Im leaving my current company soon, actually I already accepted a job offer from the same industry. There shouldn't have any problem at all, and I'm well preparing myself to join the new company. Suddenly, my ex boss called me up and offer me a high pay, less job, no hassle, relax job. Wow.. tempting. Been working with this ex boss of mine for 2 years, we can work well together, why she became my EX BOSS? It's because the company we been worked for...winding up..hahahaha...ya.. BANKRUPT...'JAP LAP' [In cantonese]!!! So, that's how we become EX... :)

The pay she offered me is 100% tempting because I don't know how many years I have to spend at that company, then only I will have that pay. So, now my decision is going no where.. I have talk to the Accountant and she seems like no interest on the person I'm introducing to her even the person is kinda suit to the post she offered me. I do understand that I already signed the letter and I have to keep my promise. I'm a person that very hold to my own promises and that's why I'm so into this difficult situation.

For my ex boss side.. she really wish that I can assist her by taking this wonderful offer of her. It's really wonderful. Irresistable offer. And, what is the best thing is, she knows my background so well and understand my situation. She is a very understanding lady and working with her is a pleasure.

But, I feel god damn guilty if I just walk over like that. My Honey suggestion is, go and work at the company but inform them that you will resign on the 1st day of working and leave the company in one month time. I feel that's not really nice to do it that way but that's the only way. I think I will just do what my Honey suggested me as it's at least.. logic and da best way.

I do feel bad on this. I do not look for other job after I got that job offer, my ex boss doesn't even know that I actually resigned from my company. This is just coincidence. I got 2 good job at once and I have to squeeze my mind to terribly and think on it. Decision making is not easy, have to considere both sides.. and have to take care of their feelings.

Money is a big issue for me as I have so many commitments. And the money my ex boss offer is taking consideration on my situation. See.. how could I reject her with such a good intention?? Sighh.... I feel so pressure as both sides also keep calling me and waiting for my answer only. I feel damn damn damn damn guilty to that company.

Be frank, my heart already fly to the HIGHER PAY job... but my ethic telling me that I can't just walk off like that. So, what should I do???? I signed the letter at the 1st place, I'm well preparing myself to join them... I'm looking forward to work with the team... suddenly.. there come a god damn tempting offer.. how to choose? which one should I go for?

Job A- International Company, Friendly working environment, Friendly and kind and nice Department Head, Got some friends in the company, offered pay is normal, 13th month salary, yearly salary review....

Job B- Local Company, dealing with Government business, Very friendly and caring Head, Much higher salary, relax working environment, not much job, have to assist on some P.A work, No hassle work, Don't know got 13th mths or not...

My Opinion....
JobA- for career exposure
JobB- for money

I need money desperately.. but I wan career exposure. This is why.. I'm so shaking.

I need to give them an answer tomorrow.

My best solution- Offer them that I will work with them for a month.. and I will go to my Ex Boss's company.

Sigh... I know.. I know someone will definately angry on me.
I'm sorry, but I need to survive and have a better life.. with better pay.

Only money can guarantee me on this now.

No Longer......

I used to put all the photos everywhere, anywhere that I able to slot them in. :P So, now..... I'm moving to my new house soon, I decided to sort them out and bought 4 big albums with 300 pockets each. Such a large volume for photos... and they able to feed the albums fully.. with many extra that I will put them in a box. Scary!!!!! :)

By sorting out all the photos, reminded me my childhood, my dad...my school friends, my college friends, my colleagues... all the good and bad time we spend together. And, when come to photos, I can never missed out the photos with my ex. I look through all of our photos... and suprisingly.. I feel nothing. No longer I feel heartache..upset.. disappointment.. missing. This is a very good thing to know. I no longer have any feeling towards him.

However, when my mom saw his photos in the album.. she asked me, "why still put his photos in the album?" I asked, "what's the problem?" She said, "He shouldn't be seen anymore." I said,"why not? I don't see any problem of that." Then she said nothing and walk out from my room.

I know that my mom do not want me to have any hard feelings when I saw his photos. Maybe she doesn't know that My Honey already cure me from this. I no longer have any feelings on him, I don't even mind to talk about him infront of anyone.

The feelings of released is so great. I never know that I'm cure until I saw his photos. I throw away all the cards he gave me, the watch that he bought me.... the diamond ring.. still here. Hahahhaa... Diamond lah. I never wear the diamond ring or the ring i bought from Scotland anymore since we broke off. They are still with me.. in the drawer.. rotting.

The rings that I bought from Scotland is most memorable as they are a pair and they came from Scotland. The diamond ring is my birthday gift on our second year. The memories still fresh as yesterday, but things changed, feelings changed, we changed. After all, we still had some good memories, and that's why I decided to let his face show in my albums.

I should say THANKS to him for bringing me the wonderful 4 years. Thanks him for being so kind to me for 4 years. Thanks him for his companion for 4 years. Thanks him for his care, his love, his companion.

I used to hate him alots.. curse him alots. Now, I'm released. I no longer have any feelings to him... But the phobia still in me.

Now, I shall slowly walking away from my phobia... which is so unfair to my Honey.

I love my Honey. I do.

Headache......

This LOVELY job really bring me headache always.

I'm still in the office, staring at the monitor, staring at the worksheet..do nothing.. Not that I'm sneaking.. but I have no idea on how to tally the figure. No clue at all. This job is too challenging for me. Maybe I'm too stupid to handle this job. Totally out of the mood for work now, my heart already fly to nasi lemak, movies, shopping... :P

Argh... I know that I'm lame. I should be concentrate on my work as now is CLOSING PERIOD!!! But, it's very difficult for me to do it now as I'm having a headache and I also have no mood to work now!!! I'm lazy I know.... Kakakakaka.....

My headache getting serious now. And I got this headache more often than ever. I hate headache.. headache made me wanna walk out from this office and buy myself a cup of coffee....ICE BLENDED MOCHA!! :) yumm..yumm...

I must leave this HELL in half an hour time... I wanna go shopping!!! I wanna eat McD's french fries!!! I wanna go bookshop!!! I wanna walk out from this HELL......

I'm too stress... think so... I think so....


**someone, pampered me pleasee.......