Curiosity kills the cat.......

Ya, and my curiosity killed me. Just a few questions from my curiosity on a man's desire, made me realised what am I in his mind. Now only I know I'm that worse in his thought. I'm having heavy headache, because I did not sleep well last night. I still having this killing headache even I slept for the whole afternoon. Hate it.

What I hate most is that I'm such a person in his though. Am I really that worse? Am I really that terrible? I don't even have the intention when I'm asking those questions. I'm just curious. So, that's what he think of me. So, that's what I am in his mind. Fine, if that's what he think on me. Just assume that I'm what he think. Why do I need to explain while I know he will still think that I'm trying to change him into someone he is not regardless how much I explain.

I feel so disappointed, I feel so upset. The biggest disappointment. This remind me of the movie of '40 years old virgin', when the lady bring out the idea of selling off the toys collection of the man having for so many years and the money he got can be use to set up his own business. The guy feel that's a great idea at first. Then one day, they argue because of something else, and brought out this issue, the guy said the lady trying to change him into someone she wanted instead of himself. The lady denied that she has such thinking on him, she just wanted to help him grow up, to be more mature and bla bla bla. I can strongly feel how the lady feel when I'm watching that movie. Guys, always fear of changes. They do not want to change, but they want a relationship. When you have a relationship, your life will change. We change to suit each other. But, guys are too afraid that we, ladies, stepped into their life, change their life. If, you are so reluctant to change, relationship is not meant for you.

I meant nothing when I asked those questions, that's all from my curiosity. And my curiosity made you think that I'm trying to change you. What else can I say? I choose not to explain anything because, I know what I am in your mind. I'm such a bitch that trying to change every bf of mine into my ideal prince of charms.

I tell myself 'DO NOT CRY'. I do not cry because of someone I care misunderstanding me and never really look into the real me. I do not cry because of someone I care taking me as a bitch. I do not cry because I'm not what he thought I am. I always tell myself have to be tough, we, ladies, do not need a man to have good life. Ya, maybe we will be lonely sometimes.. and I always feel lonely.

My family, my mom, my sister and myself. 3 ladies in a family. We have better life than when my dad is around. He is a good daddy, just that his habit brought us hard life. We are moving into our new house.... handling everything by ourself. I'm proud of my family.. I'm very proud. My mom is so independent, my sister is so tough. I'm the worse compare to them. Not that we are born to be so tough to face the reality life, we forced to be like this. Who do not wish to be pampered, taking care of? But when there has no good men for us to rely on, we have to be independent and tough enough to bear everything by ourselves.

What I did wrongly for you to think that way on me? Am I not doing a good job as a gf? Am I really trying to change you? Am I really that worse to be a gf? Maybe we are not compatible... maybe.... coz I always feel that you do think that I'm not good enough for you. Yes, maybe I'm not good enough for you, not suitable to be someone stand beside you, not the one who share everything with you.

If, I'm such a worse person for you, dismiss me.


#Do not cry, baby. Do not cry.


**********************

That night, I cried on his shoulder without his knowledge. I do not know why my tears dropped from my eyes. They dripping off when I was looking at his face when he is lying beside me with his eyes closing.

I feel so glad to have him in my life, that's the tears of joy, I think.

*********************

But I think I made his life miserable instead of cheerful.

I'm the worse gf in the world.

I'm lucky.......

News from newspapere- A beautiful girl been killed by snatch thief. The thief stabbed at her heart and took away her handbag. The girl died on the way her bf send her to hospital. Such a heart breaking news. I'm lucky, I'm very lucky...... The bastard did not stab me, parang me, drag me along the road.. he only hurt my arm.

I only lost my mobile phone, my lovely purse, my cash, my coffee bean's redeemable cards, my credit cards, my atm cards, my comestic, my new handbag.

Just take what you want lah, bastard! Why want to stab her, hurt her? Does this make you feel great? Why we are getting less and less appreciate on human life? Why human never cherish life? Especially other's life. This is such a pain and shame.

Men are getting more and more selfish. They only care on what they will get instead of others. They only have ME in their mind. They only know ME but not US. Such a hopeless world.. our world is no longer a beautiful place for our children. It's cruel, selfish, materialistic, pressure, polluted. Aaawwww...my poor children... should I bring you to this hopeless world?? Should I bring you to this world and have a torturing life?

Maybe I should re-considerate on whether to bring my children to this world or not. This is too hopeless for them.. I do not wish that they will live in a world I'm experiencing now.

Should I?? my children. I wish, I can hear your answer.... I wish I know your will.

Missing You

After the huge argument, after we re-think on the relationship and decided to give us another chance, I think we are more into this relationship and we are more holding on each other. Faith, I need to give more faith in him. I need to trust him deeply that he will do it because of this relationship.

First time he type out, LOVE YOU. Ya, still not from his mouth.. but his fingers. At least, I saw "LOVE YOU" from him through my mobile phone. Last night, I was listening to the radio programme, the DJ is reading out a short article.. the title is - "Love letter". As we all know, men seldom write love letter to the women they love. So, love letter from the man we love became a very very rare thing that we will receive on any special occasion. Therefore, this made us, the women, dying for a love letter from the man we are so in love with.

However, men do not express themselves with love letter like women do, but they express their love with, insurance, house, car or other high tech items. Men are always more materialistic than women in a way... by looking at the way they show us how much they love us with buying us some USEFUL items. Emm..this made me think of, my honey never buy me high tech items at all. :P Does this means that he doesn't love me?

So here the story started... A lady and a man.. they are a couple for years. Among these years the spend together, the lady never receive a single love letter from the man. The lady always wanted a love letter from him as in her thought, love letter is the best to show her how much he love her, and also bring her into his feelings. However, the man never write her a love letter. But, he giving her assurance by putting her name is the Property, Assets, Stocks, Insurance... bla bla bla. For the lady, this means nothing to her, she still want the love letter deeply in her heart even that she did not voice it out to the man. One day, they argued, finally the lady voiced out what she hiding for such long time. The man very angry, he went into his room, took out a metal box from his drawer, opened it, take out a stack of letters and throw it on the lady. He said " I wrote you love letters, but I though it's not meaningful enough if just give you one love letter. I though of collecting more love letters from myself, then only will give them to you as the most meaningful gift from my heart."

The man hurt, so does the lady.

Sometimes, we can't blame on either party. Woman need assurance but man love to do things secretly. How would you expect a woman to understand you when she doesn't know what you are doing or see what you are doing? For ladies, maybe we should try to accept what our man is. Man is always a big kid, they love to play game, they love suprise us [no matter good or bad thing].

Ya, maybe I should sit down, have my fav mocha coffee and see what he will do for this relationship since there has nothing that I can do.

My honey fly away again. And I'm already missing him so much.

MIRACLE!!!!!!

Old folks said..."XIANG MA BU HAO KOU" which means, there has no good words come out from us whenever one another are arguing. Can't deny the truth is as described in the statement above.

We argued, and there has many unbearable words came out from us... Hurt or not? Is there any bad words that is not hurting? Ha! I doubted on it.

What we argued about? Too many to argue... too many issues. After this huge arguement, only I realised, how many issues I'm trying to take and hide. They became a BOOM in me, and there come the arguement. I always thought I can take it and accept it, but when it come to my limits.. the BOOM exploded. I over estimated my patience. I over estimated our relationship.

Maybe, we should talk more... we should understand each other more... we should think for each other more, we should understand each other's feelings, we should care of each other more, we should know each other better......

Maybe, I should be more tolerate, I should be more patience, I should be more understanding, I should be more ignorance, I should be take it more easier, I should be more "WHO CARES" attitude......

But, will this work? Will this help?? I wonder.

By counting on the months of me working in my current company, only I realised that we know each other for almost a year. The memories still fresh in my mind. I still remember how we met, the 1st meeting. Our 1st face to face conversation. Our 1st dirty joke. Our 1st movie. Our 1st time of holding hand. Our 1st time kissing. Hardly to wipe them off from my memories. It's not easy.

I always thought that we only know each other for a short period, coz I didn't really count on it. My busy job made me so occupied and never notice how time flies pass me. It might be a good thing that you are too busy to realised that time flies so speedy, so you forgot how old you are as well. Hahahahaha... Ya, do not ask me how old am I. I'm too old to tell you my age, Darling. Age is always the secret for ladies. But, I'm lucky... I still looks good at my age [Not so bad lah, at least I'm still a young lady, not yet an AUNTY]. LOLZ Seriously, I'm worry on how I looks like when I'm an AUNTY... HORRIBLE!!!! But, I can be a HOT AUNTY... hahahahaha.... Many HOT AUNTIES nowadays. Of course, I wanna be the HIGH CLASS HOT AUNTY! :P

Ops, out of topic.

Time & Understanding. These are what he requested from me. I already did my best on them. I wonder how far can I take it. I do love him.. or else, I already excuse myself when I know his mommy. I try to be understanding, try to give him time to deal with it. I know that he has his hard time too. But, I unable to see a clue to change someone who already been stubborn for her 60 years. Unless, MIRACLE happened on me. GOD!! send me a MIRACLE then!! Would you??? But I think, there are billions of people in this world need HIS help than me. I'm too good life to have the MIRACLE. I rather give the MIRACLE to those who are starving in the world. Ignore this MIRACLE I requested then.

How long time I have to bear with this? Do I really deserve it? Maybe my face is too ugly for her to accept. Maybe my face is too fuck off for her son. I do not know her that well, but I'm not that bad in senses. I can sense whether a people like or dislike me... I think this is absolutely normal for a person to know whether someone like her or hate her. I'm not taking her son away from her. I'm not going to murder her son or rape him. I wonder, what I did wrongly and made her dislike me so much. He always told me that, this is not personal. Awww... I wish I can take this well.

I'm lost, I lost my confidence, I lost my patience... I lost my LC attitude. I lose. I lose to an old lady.. that able to test me well. Not even my mom tested me like this. I can't handle it well.. I lost my good temper, my good manners, my smile. GOD might think that I have been having such a good life since I'm born, HE think HE should give me some tests, some challenges. All HIS tests tested me on relationship. That made me almost giving up on being in love... But I always have to courage to be in love again and again.. hahahaha... that's the worse.

Nevermind lah... let's see how's thing goes. You requested time? I give it to you. You requested Understading? I try. I wish there will be something that able to show me the difference. I wish I won't be so disappointed again and again. Not that I'm unable to see what you did.. I saw. Or else, I won't standing beside you for months.

Miracle... Do I need it to make this relationship last forever. I'm thinking of forever with you. I'm not thinking of MONTHS.

Ikea......

I went to Ikea. So crowded, they buy like no need to pay. Hahahha... Bought whatever I should buy from Ikea. Went with my best girl friend. Ya, she helped me on moving the wall shelf of 180cm and 4 curtain rods and many many tiny but kinda heavy items. She is skinny. She can not to help me on picking me up from my home, go to Ikea with me, help me on taking the wall shelf, giving me some opinions on house decoration, moving the wall shelf into her big car, sending me home, moving the shelf and others into my car. Ya, she doesn't need to help me on that. But, she is just too kind to help me on this when I told her that I'm going to Ikea alone with my small KENARI car.

I appreciate her friendship very much. Thank you very much.

After she send me home, after she help me to put everything in my car. I back home. I was too tired and went for a nap. But, I'm too pity that have to sleep in the living room as my cousin already occupied my bed and my mom was having her nap too. Torturing. Back pain.

Then, I move those things to my new house, with my mom. Have to carry those heavy things.. I still can handle it well. Of course I can.

Released, almost done. Still need to shop for a side table for my sofa. A standing lamp for the living room maybe, or a salt lamp. Then.. a study table for myself. What else? Ikea gave me a very good idea on how to get a small but nice study table... as the above.... Not bad, kinda like it.

The BBQ Night......

What should I tell about the BBQ Night?

The gathering was OK, as it has been a while that we gather together and chit chat and laugh around, play around. Work has been every tough for everyone. Some of them resigned from the company and enjoy their life, some of us still suffering in the company. But still, we do keep in touch and try to gather together even it’s not an easy thing to make it as our workloads are like shit!

I had my good time with my colleagues.

My honey went to the gathering with me. How to describe on what I saw? I do love my honey of course. I do not expect him to be that socialize to mix around so fast and jokes with everyone. Helping around do not need to know everyone in the gathering. However, he is too passive, just sitting beside me or walking here and there and do nothing. When I asked him to help my colleagues, he will walk over and watch. This is not helping, Honey.

I expected you will help around but you didn’t. You do really enjoy your food and forgot to “take care” of your gf. You are too busy with your food and do not have time to help those who been cooking the food for so long time. I understand that you do not know them well, but we do not need to know that person well to give a helping hand. I understand that you do not feel easy because we do speak Cantonese sometimes, but we do speak English most of the time too.

Didn’t you notice that I keep asking you to help them when they are trying to start the fire? But, looks like my words are not going into your mind but your ears only.

I think, the principle we having in ourselves are very different. The “terms” for RELATIONSHIP that we are having are totally different too.

Maybe I’m selfish. Ya, maybe.

For me, I do not expect my bf to do much for me. At least, being…..

Gentleman
Caring [not to everyone]
Generous on me [not for buying me big diamond of course]
Helpful
Kind
Sense of humour
Love me
Take care of me
Socialize

I did not see, Gentleman, Helpful, Take care of me, Generous on me, in the BBQ Night. I’m not complaining, I just wondering is this is because that you feel uneasy or this is the real you? You can even leave me alone to Ikea while I wanted to buy a shelf and curtain rod. Yes, I can take the items by myself, but does it fit the terms of Helpful and Take care of me? If, I still have to handle this alone, what is a bf for? I still have to taking care of this by myself.. Why do I need a bf?

I do wonder, how well will you help when I’m moving my house? Only help me to move my book? My soft toys? Or, my study table? Or, you will be too tired and need some rest after moving for some of my CDs?

Maybe it’s true that this is a COMPANIONSHIP than RELATIONSHIP for you. That’s why I did not see the TERMS that you able to be fit in. Yes, of course you are a very kind person, you do have sense of humour if you know that person, maybe you do love me too but I’m not sure about it.

Companionship is not what I’m looking for. I’m expecting a Relationship. A real committed relationship. Maybe I’m too selfish to expect too much from you. But, this is what I saw from the night, and I do feel disappointed along the night.

The night was great, but I do not feel happy.

I do not share.......

I do not share my bf with any other girls.

Have this phobia since something happened between my ex and myself. There is a SHE who is so flirty, everyone know it. SHE is a mutual friend of my ex and me. I never think that there will be something between her and my ex because she has a bf, and my ex was with me. They can chat well, laugh at each other jokes... we went for coffee always too. This is a socalled friendship for me.. I though so. How precious it is to have a good friend that both of us can mix with, can hang around with.

Until I found out there has too many PATATO in the sms mailbox. I wondering who is that and immediately I know who it is from the sms. Yes, SHE is the one. Their sms is so imtimate... calling each other the nickname that I never heard when I'm around... telling each other their thinking, their feelings... joking around with sms flying to each other's mobile phone. PATATO... TOMATO.... so fucking matching nickname. My anger came to me immediately... without any advice, I confront my ex on who is this PATATO. He didn't answer my question as he knew that I already know who is it. He didn't admit that there is something happened between them. He didn't tell me why they calling each other PATATO & TOMATO.

He never tell me a single thing but keep his mouth shut. I trying to take it easily since he is behaving infront of me.... They still keep in touch as far as I know. I feel so fucked up. Why he flirt with my gf?

Ever since, whenever I feel that my bf is kinda close with any of my gf, no matter she is prettier or uglier... my alarm will alert me immediately, instantly. I can't help, but this is how I behaving now. I maybe over reacted... But, seeing they chat happily and jokes around made me feel uneasy, insecure.

This uneasiness.. affected my emotion. Yes, GOD always said, love is share, generous, no jealous.. is this that easy to do so? Selfishness is born in everyone, just the matter they show it or not. Some might be selfish on money, some maybe on knowledge, some people on love... bla bla bla. For me, I'm very selfish on relationship. I'm very protective. I'm very jealous. I do not want anyone to be close to him beside me. I do not want he treating any girl nice than me. I do not hope that he laugh out loud on others' jokes than mine. I do not wish that his attention is on others than me.

Ya. I'm very selfish on having my bf all by myself. I only want him all by myself.

Blame me for my selfishness on love. I won't argue on this.

Yes, I'm god damn selfish!!!!!! because I love him.

GoodBye.......

Today, gathered with my college friends. 5 of us, all girls. One is married, just married. And the other 4... not yet married. In the 4 beautiful ladies, 1 got bf, 3 are single and available. Among the 3 single ladies, one is going back to australia for her PR, one is leaving to Hong Kong for the sake of her career and another one is going to have her own company soon. Wow... all my friends are wonder women, beside me.

We had our good time on chatting, and enjoying our food. Compare to our young time, yes.. we did change alots in term of outlooks, thinking and behavious.. But I feel glad that our friendship never change. We still care for each other and we still can jokes around like our old time.

But, knowing that we are going to seperate again made me feel sad. Last time, our gang seperated because we went to different universities. Now, again we seperating... because of our career and life. Everyone having their own life now, we do not meet up always but we do keep in touch always. We always busy with our career, our relationship, our family, our friends and etc. We have our own life to be busy with after college. It's not easy for those city monsters like us to maintain a friendship for so many years... I appreciate them very much.

I do feel a little bit down when think of that both of them are leaving Malaysia for good. Since they are leaving for good, I should feel happy for them of course. So, my feelings is in mixture... don't know feeling how.

Goodbye my good friends... wish you the best future at the far far countries... I will miss you girls very much!!!!

I surely will miss the time we spend together!!!

I do feel sad

Heartache......

It has been a while.. but my heart still ache whenever I think on it.

Yes, the bastard snatched my handbag at Puchong Jaya by 1055pm. I lost not only some valuable in my handbag, but also some sentimental items. For eg. a purse that I love most and been follow me for so many years...... then, my mobile phone that been taking so many beautiful photos of myself and my friends... my magical comestic... my sentimental pen... my coffee bean redeem cards... CARDS!!!! I got many in my purse!!!! arghh!!! now all gone!!! Then, most troublesome is.. I need to re-do my Identity card and License... HATE IT!!!

And I still haven't got my license yet.. but I'm still driving here and there like no body business... hahhaha... No choice mah.. Have to drive no matter how. I'm too busy to take public transport... Mentioned about transportation... 30sens made me frustrated. Salary never increase even 10%... but petrol increasing like hell!!!! Mind my language... I need to speak it out.. if not, I will be crazy due to all this pressure.

Then, I have to take out a big sum of money to get a new phone, rush to Maxis to get my new sim card... go to bank... and need to re-apply for all da Credit Cards, ATM Cards.. bla bla bla... i hate it!

Kinda bz on work and house renovation.. The renovation is almost done... Feel excited eh. Money gone...........

I'm a very poor lady now. No money.................
Have to save on everything... :(

I'm sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!