Curiosity kills the cat.......

Ya, and my curiosity killed me. Just a few questions from my curiosity on a man's desire, made me realised what am I in his mind. Now only I know I'm that worse in his thought. I'm having heavy headache, because I did not sleep well last night. I still having this killing headache even I slept for the whole afternoon. Hate it.

What I hate most is that I'm such a person in his though. Am I really that worse? Am I really that terrible? I don't even have the intention when I'm asking those questions. I'm just curious. So, that's what he think of me. So, that's what I am in his mind. Fine, if that's what he think on me. Just assume that I'm what he think. Why do I need to explain while I know he will still think that I'm trying to change him into someone he is not regardless how much I explain.

I feel so disappointed, I feel so upset. The biggest disappointment. This remind me of the movie of '40 years old virgin', when the lady bring out the idea of selling off the toys collection of the man having for so many years and the money he got can be use to set up his own business. The guy feel that's a great idea at first. Then one day, they argue because of something else, and brought out this issue, the guy said the lady trying to change him into someone she wanted instead of himself. The lady denied that she has such thinking on him, she just wanted to help him grow up, to be more mature and bla bla bla. I can strongly feel how the lady feel when I'm watching that movie. Guys, always fear of changes. They do not want to change, but they want a relationship. When you have a relationship, your life will change. We change to suit each other. But, guys are too afraid that we, ladies, stepped into their life, change their life. If, you are so reluctant to change, relationship is not meant for you.

I meant nothing when I asked those questions, that's all from my curiosity. And my curiosity made you think that I'm trying to change you. What else can I say? I choose not to explain anything because, I know what I am in your mind. I'm such a bitch that trying to change every bf of mine into my ideal prince of charms.

I tell myself 'DO NOT CRY'. I do not cry because of someone I care misunderstanding me and never really look into the real me. I do not cry because of someone I care taking me as a bitch. I do not cry because I'm not what he thought I am. I always tell myself have to be tough, we, ladies, do not need a man to have good life. Ya, maybe we will be lonely sometimes.. and I always feel lonely.

My family, my mom, my sister and myself. 3 ladies in a family. We have better life than when my dad is around. He is a good daddy, just that his habit brought us hard life. We are moving into our new house.... handling everything by ourself. I'm proud of my family.. I'm very proud. My mom is so independent, my sister is so tough. I'm the worse compare to them. Not that we are born to be so tough to face the reality life, we forced to be like this. Who do not wish to be pampered, taking care of? But when there has no good men for us to rely on, we have to be independent and tough enough to bear everything by ourselves.

What I did wrongly for you to think that way on me? Am I not doing a good job as a gf? Am I really trying to change you? Am I really that worse to be a gf? Maybe we are not compatible... maybe.... coz I always feel that you do think that I'm not good enough for you. Yes, maybe I'm not good enough for you, not suitable to be someone stand beside you, not the one who share everything with you.

If, I'm such a worse person for you, dismiss me.


#Do not cry, baby. Do not cry.


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That night, I cried on his shoulder without his knowledge. I do not know why my tears dropped from my eyes. They dripping off when I was looking at his face when he is lying beside me with his eyes closing.

I feel so glad to have him in my life, that's the tears of joy, I think.

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But I think I made his life miserable instead of cheerful.

I'm the worse gf in the world.